I used to think traveling to exotic places would be fun, but I have a little more experience now & it's only fun if it doesn't wreck your sleep.

So here I am in Germany. Sigh. I don't think I like this not being close to home thing..all I want to do is go to sleep in my bed and hear some English. I know it will pass, but for right now...it's just all so different, which is part of the point, I know. I just hate not knowing where to eat, where to even go for, say, a bottle of water. I just end up wandering around until I get too tired to anymore. I still haven't made it to Tuebingen, because I got sick on the plane and all I wanted was a hotel room and sleep when I got off. Of course, the flight attendants were concerned about me, so they got some guy that works at the airport to pick me up in a wheelchair so that I wouldn't faint. The good thing is that I didn't have to wait in line at customs...my reward for nearly dying on the plane. Long flights and Megan=not a good combination. Luckily, there will be no more of that until August.

Everyone here drives BMW's, Mercedes', Audi's, etc. It's really strange to see. I mean, I know these are German cars and so it makes sense, but it's just so different to see all these cars on the road that in America are the luxury cars. Here, they're commonplace. Even my taxi driver drives a Mercedes. It's quite a change from the roadways in the U.S.

Germany is 6 hours ahead of South Carolina. My sleep is not going well. I have to catch up before my classes actually start, which isn't for a long time, so I'm probably safe. I just have trouble falling asleep at the right German times. Soon, soon, it will all be easier.

Nothing to report, really, other than to let everyone know that I am safe and well on my way to being happy (hopefully!). I miss everyone!

Remember those stories where your knees or your back starts to hurt when it's going to rain? he said & I nodded & then he said, they're not stories & he got up and walked away & I started to make a list of all the things I want to do before I die because it's never really that long

I played a game awhile ago, one that I stole from Emily my Favorite. It was the game where I think of 10 people in my head and then write something about them, all the while never revealing who is represented by each number. So here goes.

1. I don't keep in touch with you nearly enough. That doesn't mean that I don't still think about you and hope that you are doing well. Because I do. I ask about you and pray that you are safe and happy. That is what I wish for you. I also wish for your continued friendship, even if I haven't done anything worthy of it lately. You are in some of my happiest memories and I hope that we can make more soon.

2. I'm sorry that I haven't been supportive of the latest chapter in your life. You worry me. You are going down a dangerous path and I'm scared that you won't come back from it. You have already changed a lot lately. You are too important for me to watch that without saying something. I'm sorry if I've been too vocal with my thoughts. I want you to live your life to the fullest, and I don't know how that's possible right now. But I promise that I am not going anywhere. I will be here when you are ready to be you again. 

3. I am so proud of you. You are so smart, and I saw you wasting that, and it scared me. But now you have done something with your life, something that you enjoy. I could not be happier for you. I know we haven't spoken in a long time, but I keep up with your life. You will always be a part of my life, even if we never see each other. You are there, in my head, and a little in my heart, too. I want you to use the intelligence that you seem scared to show but that I know you possess. Make something of yourself and be proud of yourself.

4. For a long time, I forgot how to be your friend. Or, not forgot, but couldn't properly deal with becoming different people. We both changed, and I was too scared that I would disappoint you with the person that I have become. But now, I have realized that your friendship was there, waiting. You are always there, ready to listen, talk, or just sit. I am so envious of your verbosity. You always have the words to say what I am struggling with, or to fix what's wrong, and it is always the right thing. I am so blessed to have a true and amazing person such as you in my life.

5. We never knew each other very well, but I can't help thinking of you a lot recently. I want to see you again, because you still intrigue me. Your confidence blows me away. You, in general, blow me away. You possess the qualities of someone who could mean a lot to me. And I never seem to meet enough people like that. Let's hang out and talk and know each other and be friends.

6. I let you slip from my life. Was it you, was it me, or was it both? I feel like a bad friend with you a lot, because I never make the effort to spend time with you. The amazing thing about you is that we have known each other for so long that we always pick up where we left off when we speak. So let's speak even more, okay? You are in countless memories, and I can never forget that you watched me grow up, and vice versa. You were always one of the first people I called with my news, with my achievements, with my problems. I want that again. I want even more inside jokes with the person who knows me so well.

7. You were a good friend to me. The key word in that sentence being were. You changed, we changed, whatever. It sucks, and I wasn't ready for it. I expected maturity from you, and all I got was an apparent regression into your teenage years. Your actions spoke louder than anything you said to me the whole time we knew each other. I don't appreciate being made a fool of, and that is what you did, very well, I might add. I was foolish to take a risk on you. You were trouble from the start. I have had my share of friendships and relationships that die, but yours stung pretty badly. You caused me a lot of pain. My head and my heart hurt a little when I forget to forget you. The worst part is that you don't even care. Here's the thing: I never wanted a hero, I wanted a friend. But I must thank you, because I grew up a little more this year.

8. I think a lot about dropping everything to come see you. Sometimes, I just need you. You listen, you advise, you make the hurt of the world go away. And if I'm being too dramatic you snap me out of it. You don't let me act like an asshole around you. You keep me in line, and no matter what you like to joke about, you know that I have never been scared of you, or you of me. Maybe worried about your brutal honesty, but never scared. I know we fought last year, and I thought I would never forgive you for some things, but I realized life is too short. You are too awesome to throw away over something so stupid. I apologize if I said some awful things when we fought. You didn't deserve it, and I shouldn't have. I'm still working on growing up. Thanks for helping.

9. I hope your life turns out the way you want it to. I know a lot hinges on this year, and I pray that you aren't disappointed again. You deserve a lot of happiness, since you have struggled with it in the past. But I also worry that you are letting other people's opinions dominate yours. Please be yourself and stop worrying about not pleasing everyone else. It's okay if you are happy when others aren't. You are one of my closest friends, and I am so grateful for you. You deserve the biggest bouquet of flowers for putting up with me and my stuff all the time. You are a quality person.

10. I do not understand you. I tried to play nice, and you wanted none of it. I do not dislike many people, but you fall into that category. You are a hypocrite and, quite frankly, a bitch. Please stop trying to make me unhappy just because you suck at life. And stop playing nice to my face and being an asshole behind my back. You are an idiot if you think I don't find out about it. Grow up, we are in college, not grade school. Stop whispering about me to all the other kids so they won't like me either.

Currently Listening It's Time By Michael Bublé see related

finally has figured out there aren't enough quiet little British films around to protect her from the real world

When I was a senior in high school, I took an art class. 3-d art. Not my particular forte, but it was fun. I loved having that to look forward to at the end of the day. It was such a difference from my otherwise 'smart person' schedule. In art, I didn't shine as the best student-far from it, in fact. I always tried, but often came up short of achieving anything amazingly artisitic and beautiful. In this class, I was still the smart girl, but I wasn't the smart girl who screws up the curve or anything like that. (Not that there was ever a chance of that with people like Jennie Gao and Amanda Bannister sharing most of my classes.) I was the smart girl who could talk and listen to everyone and be everyone's friend and just be..Megan, without any extra adjectives. I didn't have anything to live up to, because I knew that I wasn't a talented artist. I was in it for the fun. And yes, I got an A in the class, but it was a hard won A. And I felt that I deserved that A, because I had achieved something without relying simply on my intelligence. I had to use both sides of my brain in art. But I ramble. The point is that it allowed me a chance to have another identity, away from my intelligence. It was an escape for me. The people in my class were really fun, and I never minded Mr. Mason and all of his eccentricities. I thought he was funny. I had the class with Chad Hoffman, Jeremy Patterson, and Amanda Moncer, who, while not being my favorite person, always had a witty comment to lighten the mood. Truth be told, I had a crush on Chad. He was just a nice and genuine guy. A shining example of a southern gentleman. Tragically, I never bared my soul to him, so we moved on in life. Sigh. High school romance. The stuff of romance novels and fairy tales.

So one day we were sitting in the classroom, just working on a project, which is how we spent most of the time. I don't know what we were talking about, or why the conversation led to this. I can't even remember who I was talking to. Just what he said. He told me that some girls are silver and some are gold. And that I just wasn't gold. He went on to elaborate that it wasn't anything against me, but that I just wasn't gold material. He, I'm sure, told me what make a girl worthy of being gold, and why I didn't add up. Right then, in my utter shock, I cried. In front of this guy who clearly didn't deserve my tears, as he was all but ripping my heart out. He clearly didn't deserve my memory either, as I really have no inkling of who I knew that would say something like this. I don't believe he could have been a good friend of mine, or someone I had any respect for. I tend to reserve my respect for people who earn it. Ah, I digress again. Back to the story. I stood there, amidst my peers in my art class, and cried. I walked back to my working area in shock, and was quickly accosted by Chad, demanding to know why I was crying. So I sobbed the story to Chad and Amanda, who reassured me. They told me that this guy wasn't gold, if that's how people were to be measured, they told me I was awesome, they told me he was crazy. It helped a little, but I still managed to draw the attention of most of my classmates, but I didn't have the heart to tell everyone what happened. Chad went over and had words with the offender, who ended up apologizing before class ended. But the damage had been done to my psyche. I would now carry this thought in my head for the rest of my years, that I wasn't worthy of a lot of guys. I'm silver, after all-no need striving for guys that I know I can't attain. Asshole. I..it really hurt. What hurt even more is that Chris, whose last name escapes my memory, ended up telling my favorite teacher and mentor, Mrs. Grow. It hurt that everyone was involved in something so hurtful and personal. It was a wound I would have preferred to nurse myself. But she sat me down and talked about it the next day. Once again came the reassurances of all of my good qualities. And even the teacher, the supposed impartial one, had scathing words to say about this boy. And honestly, it helped a little, everyone being so kind to me after such a rude chat with some teenage boy. But here lies the issue.

I still remember what he said. I still think about it. I can't help but wonder if there was any validity in his statements. Am I unworthy of attention, simply for being me? Was I shortchanged in some way when I was born? Am I missing that special something that makes a person just shine? After every failed relationship, or relationship attempt, I go back to that day when I was just 17 years old, standing in a high school art classroom. I become that vulnerable child who was so naive and who cried in the face of hatred. I hear someone telling me that I'm not worth it. You're silver. Why would someone waste their time when there are so many girls who are gold out there? I doubt that the boy who said it even remembers me, as I don't remember him. And he doubtless has no inkling of the lasting hurt he cast on me that day, just by opening his mouth. It still hurts. Some things you never really get over. This is one of those things for me. I won't ever forget it. Mostly, it comes out at my vulnerable moments, and stays hidden any other time. But it came out recently. With Tony. Is he another guy who didn't deserve me, as my loving and loyal friends are quick to say, or am I undeserving of a man like Tony? Do I lack the proper qualities to make me relationship worthy? I thought I was on the right track because I found a guy who..he was more than the sum of his physical qualities. Yes, the first time I met him, I was attracted to him, but that wasn't what drew me in, kept me coming back for more. We had a friendship. We were on the same level. He understood my sarcasm for what it was: sarcasm, not bitchiness. He laughed at my quirky little comments, and didn't criticize my eccentricities. We talked, we knew each other. I never fooled myself into thinking that we had this amazing connection, but I thought we were okay. He wasn't The One, but we were good. We got each other. I don't know what was in it for him, what kept him coming back on my part, but there was something there that he must have seen. And trust me, I can make that hard. My drunk dials alone are enough to send a lesser man to cower in a corner. But I thought, he's 22 years old. He is a man, he is not a boy. A mature relationship is entirely possible with him. And it was, for 3 months. But then it fell apart. Was it my fault? Was I, once again, not good enough? I wish I had the courage to ask him, or he was man enough to tell me. Unfortunately, we all suffer from shortcomings.

And so my overactive imagination and mind are left with nothing to go on. Alone, to figure out how something so right turned so wrong so quickly. And the one thing I keep coming back to was that I wasn't good enough for him. I am silver. That is my mantra. I am silver. I never win first place, and I never get the guy.

Currently Listening Journey - Greatest Hits By Journey see related

I was riding with my mom to Andrew's basketball game on Monday night. As we were driving through Lexington, I saw a sign. It said:

karoake

kickboxing

jiu jitsu

Or, at least I thought it did. And I laughed out loud, earning a sideways look from the mother. Of course, it really said:

karate

kickboxing

jiu jitsu

But wouldn't it be endlessly amusing to have a place in your town that did cater to those who enjoy a little karoake between kickboxing sessions? I would go, just for the amusement. What kind of songs would they sing? Would they be getting down to some Whitney Houston or some Backstreet Boys while working out? Oh, the thought makes me laugh.

Oh, p.s. I have fallen in love with Isaac, the new talk show featuring, or course, Isaac Mizrahi. Who I think is absolutely fabulous. I think everyone should check it out. It comes on the Style Network at 11 p.m. every night. It gives me some laughs before bed time. And who doesn't love that?

and if nothing else, he said, sunset will still always make me remember you.

love it.